SLIGHTLY CRACKED NEWS: Wayne Rooney fits dimmer switches to make him feel cleverer.

Following the trend believed to have been started by Cheryl Coal (see Cheryl Coal buys 182 mirrors for home to increase her psychological popularity) for acquiring household items to enhance the stupid, Wayne Rooney has been seen purchasing dimmer switches for his substantially stupid home. Having overcome his mistaking M&S for B&Q, Mr Rooney eventually acquired a IFIDP303 ‘Varilight Ultra Flat Iridium Black 3 x 300W 2-Way Push-on/off IQ Dimmer (Twin Plate)’ from the Prestbury branch of the international chain of DIY superstores.

“He fitted them upside down at first”

It has been reported Mr Rooney personally fitted the dimmer switches in his home. “He fitted them upside down at first making them get brighter, but a friend realised his mistake when Wayne expressed that he felt even more stupid than before. He managed to correct it in time before his house became a particle physicist” said a local neighbour.

“I certainly feel a lot cleverer”

Mr Rooney is said to be elated with his recent housical appendages exclaiming “I certainly feel a lot cleverer.” A local resident said “he can’t stop dimming down his front room” The local education authority stated “we are interested in Mr Rooney’s very clever idea” and are expected to look into doing the same within local schools in the area. Local environmentalist residents say he should be “de-lighted as soon as possible”.

“I have no idea what it is but it sounds clever”

Mr Rooney reportedly felt his wife, Colleen, was no longer satisfying his superiority needs as she has recently completed a course on cuticle relaxation therapy of which Mr Rooney stated recently “I have no idea what it is but it sounds clever”. The couple’s child, Kai (named after a kind of throat singing practiced in the Altai Republic, or a set of knives – neither is confirmed) was also said to have completed a tower of stickle bricks before his footballer father. Sceptics believe this may be the reason for the recent dimmer additions to the household to redress the balance of denseness authority in Mr Rooney’s favour.

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