SLIGHTLY CRACKED NEWS: Single parents on benefits will no longer be divest of pilfered chocolate, court rules

A controversial new precedent was set yesterday by a bunch of sotted psychogeriatric judges of the appeal court thought to be convinced they were participating in a party game at a colleague’s leaving doo.

Father of five (that he’s legally aware of), Dwayne Dyshslop, 33, was stupidly sentenced to a total of eight months imprisonment for burglary and dangerous driving having broken in to his local rugby club with three erstwhile friends, lifted a Twix, and left in a Ford Transit which subsequently ran a red light and tripped over a stationary police car.

Dyshslop appealed on the grounds of the basic human right to steel chocolate when carrying the status of ‘single parent on benefits’ and, following six weeks in jail, was set free yesterday.

Speaking from the Cock & Bull pub shortly after his release Mr Dyshslop stated “yeah, itszzz grreeat innit! I’ll be at the paper shop tomorrow teaching me kids the law!”

Critics are worried their already deeply furrowed brows may fall in on themselves like a wormhole following the decision. Mr Saylord from the Association for the Bloody Obvious has called the decision by the group of judges “obviously wronger than homeopathy.”


Shops are being advised to leave their store fronts unlocked at night to prevent unwanted damage by eligible chocothiefs, and police vehicles across the country are being told to ‘get out of the bloody way’, especially at junctions of possible criminal occurrence.

Supporters of total oblivion have indicated their satisfaction that no further action will be taken regarding the panel and their decision, or indeed anything at all. One member of the panel, Justice Unwise, stated “it was a lovely party. I especially enjoyed the blue gin and party games” thus fueling suspicions the decision was a product of pure frivolity.

How many?

Since his conviction, Mr Dyshslop’s five children have been cared for by his sister, who is also a single parent on benefits with seven children to look after already – five of them her own – and a heavy addiction to Trisha.

Dyshslop’s eldest son, Kyle, age 13, has been an advocate of his father’s appeal since he was sentenced: “I like chocolate. Especially Twixs. If dad hadn’t stole me the chocolate that night I would have behaved like a right little cunting bastard until bed time.” Kyle has a previous conviction for hood wearing in the dark.

Mr Dyshslop has vowed to continue to care for his children five nights a week, one per night, until they are old enough to claim their compensation for being alive from the state themselves.
“This is a triumph for the reputation of single parents on benefits everywhere” said a local tramp.

ADVERT: Shirley and John invite you to join them and The Three Chocolateers at the Rotund Pig on Lank Street tonight from 7pm. Special offers on superannuated gin. Free pork scratching* for every punter. *owners are not obliged to disclose reason for scratching.


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