Slightly Cracked News

SLIGHTLY CRACKED NEWS: Breaking: Bins

My neighbour actually spoke to me today. It was the fault of bins. We share an alley way for them. It’s an unwritten code that if you share an alley way then you must collect each others bins from out front. My neighbour is always there first. I can’t decide if she’s making a point by doing so. No sooner than the T-Rex-truck has groaned its way round the corner she is there, grasping my green bin by the handles and dragging it up my back passage, then hers, the same. She fumbles noisily round the corner to her gate and in latches the divide between our lands before depositing her bin in its rightful, precise place.

I beat her to it today. We left the front door at the same time. The unknowing bin man (yes, man, it was, definitely) had left me a present of perfectly positioned bins right at my doorstep. I casually grasped the handles of her faded fake ivy covered receptacle and smiled with much friendly force. She smiled back, as much as her feeble face would allow, and walked towards me in the same brown padded coat she’d had on since I moved here 5 years ago. Then she spoke! Yes, spoke! More than some form of cursory hello too!

“Have they taken it?”
I check. “Yep, all gone”
“Oh good.” She genuinely appeared relieved as she looked at me through her yellowing Reactions(TM) lenses, and said, “I trimmed my bush at the weekend and I was worried they wouldn’t take it.”

O_o

SLIGHTLY CRACKED NEWS: Single parents on benefits will no longer be divest of pilfered chocolate, court rules

A controversial new precedent was set yesterday by a bunch of sotted psychogeriatric judges of the appeal court thought to be convinced they were participating in a party game at a colleague’s leaving doo.

Father of five (that he’s legally aware of), Dwayne Dyshslop, 33, was stupidly sentenced to a total of eight months imprisonment for burglary and dangerous driving having broken in to his local rugby club with three erstwhile friends, lifted a Twix, and left in a Ford Transit which subsequently ran a red light and tripped over a stationary police car.

Dyshslop appealed on the grounds of the basic human right to steel chocolate when carrying the status of ‘single parent on benefits’ and, following six weeks in jail, was set free yesterday.

Speaking from the Cock & Bull pub shortly after his release Mr Dyshslop stated “yeah, itszzz grreeat innit! I’ll be at the paper shop tomorrow teaching me kids the law!”

Critics are worried their already deeply furrowed brows may fall in on themselves like a wormhole following the decision. Mr Saylord from the Association for the Bloody Obvious has called the decision by the group of judges “obviously wronger than homeopathy.”

Shift!

Shops are being advised to leave their store fronts unlocked at night to prevent unwanted damage by eligible chocothiefs, and police vehicles across the country are being told to ‘get out of the bloody way’, especially at junctions of possible criminal occurrence.

Supporters of total oblivion have indicated their satisfaction that no further action will be taken regarding the panel and their decision, or indeed anything at all. One member of the panel, Justice Unwise, stated “it was a lovely party. I especially enjoyed the blue gin and party games” thus fueling suspicions the decision was a product of pure frivolity.

How many?

Since his conviction, Mr Dyshslop’s five children have been cared for by his sister, who is also a single parent on benefits with seven children to look after already – five of them her own – and a heavy addiction to Trisha.

Dyshslop’s eldest son, Kyle, age 13, has been an advocate of his father’s appeal since he was sentenced: “I like chocolate. Especially Twixs. If dad hadn’t stole me the chocolate that night I would have behaved like a right little cunting bastard until bed time.” Kyle has a previous conviction for hood wearing in the dark.

Mr Dyshslop has vowed to continue to care for his children five nights a week, one per night, until they are old enough to claim their compensation for being alive from the state themselves.
“This is a triumph for the reputation of single parents on benefits everywhere” said a local tramp.

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ADVERT: Shirley and John invite you to join them and The Three Chocolateers at the Rotund Pig on Lank Street tonight from 7pm. Special offers on superannuated gin. Free pork scratching* for every punter. *owners are not obliged to disclose reason for scratching.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-13573830

SLIGHTLY CRACKED NEWS: Wayne Rooney fits dimmer switches to make him feel cleverer.

Following the trend believed to have been started by Cheryl Coal (see Cheryl Coal buys 182 mirrors for home to increase her psychological popularity) for acquiring household items to enhance the stupid, Wayne Rooney has been seen purchasing dimmer switches for his substantially stupid home. Having overcome his mistaking M&S for B&Q, Mr Rooney eventually acquired a IFIDP303 ‘Varilight Ultra Flat Iridium Black 3 x 300W 2-Way Push-on/off IQ Dimmer (Twin Plate)’ from the Prestbury branch of the international chain of DIY superstores.

“He fitted them upside down at first”

It has been reported Mr Rooney personally fitted the dimmer switches in his home. “He fitted them upside down at first making them get brighter, but a friend realised his mistake when Wayne expressed that he felt even more stupid than before. He managed to correct it in time before his house became a particle physicist” said a local neighbour.

“I certainly feel a lot cleverer”

Mr Rooney is said to be elated with his recent housical appendages exclaiming “I certainly feel a lot cleverer.” A local resident said “he can’t stop dimming down his front room” The local education authority stated “we are interested in Mr Rooney’s very clever idea” and are expected to look into doing the same within local schools in the area. Local environmentalist residents say he should be “de-lighted as soon as possible”.

“I have no idea what it is but it sounds clever”

Mr Rooney reportedly felt his wife, Colleen, was no longer satisfying his superiority needs as she has recently completed a course on cuticle relaxation therapy of which Mr Rooney stated recently “I have no idea what it is but it sounds clever”. The couple’s child, Kai (named after a kind of throat singing practiced in the Altai Republic, or a set of knives – neither is confirmed) was also said to have completed a tower of stickle bricks before his footballer father. Sceptics believe this may be the reason for the recent dimmer additions to the household to redress the balance of denseness authority in Mr Rooney’s favour.